PPR Presents: Nintendo's Closet Furry

he Mustachioed knight in overalls is making his second appearance on the Wii U, but don’t expect to see him in his overalls considering he’ll be—get this, dressing up like a cat. Yeah... strange right? See and that’s the thing, it’s really NOT all that strange when you think about it; we’re seeing an icon openly fetishizing and it’s skirting the point to where he might start hooking up with Craiglist ads in between all the self-inflicted heavy petting to DeviantART.

We all know Mario has always had some sort of identity crisis through his career. Whether he’s a doctor who gave away pills like free kittens in front of Walmart, or recklessly barreling down the speedway in his go-kart like Shia LaBeouf driving home from a night of binge-drinking, he’s never really done any plumbing. The one consistent behavior we can associate with the jumping legend is his love to get primal with animal costumes, and I think it’s time he comes clean with it. I mean, there’s nothing to be ashamed of Mario -- we totally understand. College Humor may have had the jump on us, but we’re here with open paws to accept all of the proverbial animal skeletons of our hero’s closet and let him know “Hey man, it’s cool if that’s your thing, just don’t be weird about it.”

The following is evidence that will illustrate the gradual buildup of veritable evidence that confirms our suspicions that the Red and Blue Italian is a full-blown furvert.

The most unassuming of suits showed up around 2006 with New Super Mario Bros. Yup, back when NSMB was met with praise for being a refreshing change of pace for its innovative take on the plumbers roots in lieu of all three dimensional takes that monopolized Jump Man at the time. We even liked the bullshit barbershop A cappella takes on the scores, and we were treated to new things such as Mario getting stupid huge and Dry Bones Bowser. NSMB also introduced the Blue Shell suit, easily the least sexy of his beast wear. The suit allowed the Italian stallion to careen down the path within the shell and do what Koopa Troopa shells do best, fuck everything that’s in the way.

The suit was cool for cheap thrills but we doubt that Mario would be able to impress anyone into hopping in the love nest with him in that reptilian getup. It only makes sense that after all the evictions he’s handed the turtle clan from their shells through his obnoxious stomps, it would only make sense that he would eventually get curious and slip a shell on like an ugly Christmas sweater instead of kicking it around like an asshole -- nothing too suspicious, carry on.

Fourteen years earlier though, the falsetto star was a little more adorable than a scaly reptile in one his more unknown furry dress-ups; we’re talking bona fide bun-eh ears, y’all. In the Land of Six Golden coins, some dude in overalls who looks like a cross between a yellow Rip Taylor and Groucho Marx if he was sexual predator ousts Mario of his castle and he’s got to do some legwork before he can get it back, or uhh... ear work I guess. Yeah, that does read out to be more perverted than I though. Now that the text is just out there, oh well. 

Once Mario eats a carrot, he grows bunny ears and flaps them all sultry like to slow his decent from a jump. There are moments in where he flies with them, but who are we kidding? Mario might as well slap on a badge to Anthrocon considering that’s more believable than those fur lobes being used to DEFY gravity.

Ok, so this next one almost isn’t fair, but since I counted Blue Shell Mario, there was absolutely no way I was going to leave this one out: Frog suit. On second thought, it’s totally fair (it is the one where our pudgy star gets on all fours). It’s safe to admit that when we all played Super Mario Bros. 3 for the very first time, this power up was the coolest and exotic portrayal of the Nintendo mascot at the time, and while we’re too young to correlate the practice of furdom, the subtext will start to hit you really hard while you read this. Mario is able to swim freely through past Big Bertha without threat of being EATEN, he’s able to BOUNCE even higher on all fours. I could go on but I’ll just stop right there.

Don’t get me wrong – Frog suit Mario is one of the most useful suits out of the incriminating bunch, but out of all the suits, this is the only one where you see him get primal, and embrace the role a bit too seriously, with an inner monologue that I can only imagine plays out like “ribbit, chicks dig webbed feet.”

Remember when we were first told that Mario was going to go to space and we all exclaimed “holy shit you guys, Mario’s going to get even dumber now.” And bear in mind, this was after he tried to convince us that wearing a super-soaker backpack was cool—we were reasonably skeptical. Good thing the experiment was a complete and total success, so much to the point where it was the first 3D Mario title to get a direct sequel, but there’s just one thing about it, and Mario isn’t even coy about it, he gets obnoxiously adorable… in a Bee suit. Bee Mario can fly for short altitudes and distances without a running buildup, and it’s mostly because he can’t due in largely to the fact that he’s really slow. It’s almost as if our Hero is seductively frail the moment he wears the honey bug mask.

To highlight, I’m not cracking at the effeminate nature of the suit, but rather how Mario is almost sexually suggestive of his vulnerable frolicking. He’s so slow and dainty in his movement, carefully approaching everything around him, almost as if he’s trifling like a Bee who WANTS it. I’m no expert, but furries are generally known for their bashfulness and discretion when participating in their pastime, and then there’s that one guy or gal who just gives no fucks in the parking lot of In-n-Out Burger wearing their full blue coyote suit. Bee Mario is that furry.

The newest plumber title on Nintendo’s Next-generation console has our little guy sporting a fancy Turtle-neck sweater with pullover an… oh who are we kidding, Mario is a Flying squirrel, a critter from the forest that’s known for chirping and prancing. Once the Super Acorn is acquired, our main man glides and flaps while climbing for short periods, and as I describe the abilities, they start to sound less like abilities and more like foreplay. Another fact about furry culture are the classes and types to differentiate them between one another, and Flying Squirrel Mario falls in that “toon” category. I guess that’s the one where you want to penetrate a Tex Avery cartoon animal, I guess?

To be fair, Mario looks really dapper with his Newsboy cap and different shades of fur, but he’s just furry eye candy here. Hell, even Bee Mario looks more intimidating than Flying Squirrel Mario ever will.

This next creature apparel was the precursor to the Flying Squirrel. Mario got all wet and wild with some slip-on skivvies as Penguin Mario. The flightless bird provides Mario with the same powers of Ice Mario with the benefit of taking out enemy in the missionary position. Again, we’re applying the same argument from Frog Mario here, with the a tinge of Bee Mario’s erotic whimsy—Penguin Mario waddles about and shakes dem curves before he starts getting any momentum, and then he’s all thrust from there on out. He does have some grace when to swimming, but the suit hardly seems justifiable when it’s just a variation of the plumber’s Ice Flower, it only exists to indulge into the Italian’s animality.

We’re getting near the end, and this next suit is arguably the most famous and recognized of Mario’s furry closet, the Tanooki Suit. Based off Japanese mythology of the Trickster Tanooki Racoon Dog and his mischievous bullshit, Mario is able to tail-slap his enemies into submission while reducing his fall when coming down from great heights with butt-clapping his tail for floating. The striking thing about this suit is the fact that it completely revolves around the tail. The ears and the body suit are a bit superfluous, which is why Mario has a Super Leaf. This suit is made to turn some snouts and Mario knows it, real subtle like too. Tanooki power even has a built-in fail safe in case he needs to bail from any advances from an unwanted suitor, dude straight transforms into an old man statue, who would want to tap that? Ain’t nobody looking to get it on with some elderly granite.

The point I’m trying to make is that the Tanooki suit, while useful, is over the top when it comes down to what it provides. Mario might float. He might even fly, but chances are, he inadvertently sent some mixed signals across to a community that operates on mating rituals of the pawed variety.

Speaking of paws, this is it: This is by far the furriest of furry conventions, and I want to bet that Mario is fully aware of it too… because Mario can purr now people, and lick his paws! Cat Mario allows him to sprint faster and pounce on enemies, talk about aggressive right? The portly character can climb up walls and dive into the ground to get what he wants, don’t you think that sounds like he’s coming on a bit too strong?

The subtle meows and Nyan fancies that Mario does in between all of his movement breaches the intellectual wall of suggestiveness and skepticism and embraces it’s cat ears on a level that may start its own thread on 4chan messages boards; and I’m sorry I’m not sorry Mario, but you’re now an object of affection to fetishize over, and deep down I think you wanted this. I’m not accusing Mario of plushophilia or anything so harsh, but I think that all of his sexy foreplay has now bled over into his citizen life. And while we’ll never judge the guy, I think it’s safe to remind him to tone it down a bit. I mean, he’s in children’s games for crying out, fucking dial it back down a bit, guy.